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Innergize newsletter, Fall 2008
Staying on
track and positive
Ever have one of those days?
When it feels like you’ve endured
one long meeting, after another and another? And have you noticed
how often people get bogged down in the same issues, going over the
same ground you talked about the last time you got together?
Somewhere between
your positive
intentions and reaching consensus on the best path forward, getting
sucked into an unproductive, time wasting swamp is way too easy.
And w hile
it may be true that he who asks the questions controls the
conversation, it seems equally true that if people can get you asking
the wrong questions, they don’t have to worry about their answers.
Keeping your feet dry
Ask the wrong
question and you can end up in a quagmire of justification and
finger pointing. We've all been there. So how
do you keep meetings
positive and focused on the outcome?
- When you hear yourself
asking a Why question like …
“Why did you do it
this way?”
“Why didn’t they ask
for help?”
“Why can’t
marketing follow instructions?”
“Why don’t you
….?”
… STOP!
While those questions may explain how you got where you are,
they also force people into defending their decisions. They dig in rather than finding a path forward.
- Instead use
How or
What questions.
“How did you decide
that?”
“How is that working
for you?”
“What led you to that
conclusion?”
You can soften your questions
with “I’m curious,” “I’m wondering” or “Do you mind if I ask” at the
beginning. As in “Do you mind if I ask how you decided to …?”
Answer a question with a question
What if you’re the target of a
why question?
- Neutralize and redirect
why questions with a question of your
own. Ask ...
“How does answering
that move us forward?” or
“Is this where we want to put our energy and attention?”
Use a ladder
The more you challenge the soundness of someone’s position,
the more they’ll feel compelled to defend it. So use your questions
like a ladder, stretching up to something you can both agree on.
Work out the details only after you have agreement on a
common purpose, or a shared value.
- First, acknowledge their position by repeating back
their words, beliefs and emotions (pacing in
NLP terms.) Agree with them if you can.
“I sense you feel very strongly about ________.”
“You believe that ___________.”
“So it’s important for you that we ________”
- Then shift the focus from the specifics of the situation to
a bigger picture of what they want to achieve. The value or
purpose behind their position will be a more inclusive outcome.
"How is that
important for you?" and "What is important for you about that?"
"What will this do
for you or us?"
"What is your
intention?"
"How does that move
us towards our outcome to ____?"
Stop digging
If you find you’ve already been sucked into a swamp
...
- Cut your losses with questions like these:
"What do we have to do to make things more the way we want them
to be?"
"Is there anything we can do about (the problem) right now?"
"If so, what is the first step we will take?"
"If not, how can we accept/make peace with what we cannot
change?"
"If we have to go through this anyway, what can we learn/get out
of it?"
"What are we willing to stop doing or give up in order to have
conditions more the way we want them"
Remember the power of expectations
If people think a solution is unreachable, their
efforts will reflect it!
Create positive expectations using so
far
and yet.
- As in “we haven’t figured it out,
yet” or “so
far, we haven’t found the solution.”
Memory
is imperfect
People do forget, delete or
distort information. And sometimes the players change.
So
it's a good idea to keep a running visible record of
commitments.
"We can _____
if you _____ by this date."
A flip
chart is an easy way to record and transport agreements and
commitments. (Remember NASA’s extensive and costly search for the
best writing instrument for space travel? In the end they
discovered pencils!!)
Keep the chart current with when the commitments were
actually met. And use them when players change and/or delete or distort
the facts.
Thinking about arranging your own
Performance Breakthrough Session? Or taking next fall's NLP
Practitioner Training?
Visit the Innergize blog (http://innergize.wordpress.com)
And see: NLP or Coaching
And in the favorite
quotes department ...
“In a
time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.”
George Orwell
“When things stop growing, they begin to die.”
Charles Gow, in Managing Corporate Lifecycles
(a little harsh, but worth thinking about!)
“Even if you are on the right road, you will
eventually get run over if you just sit there.”
Anonymous (who else?)
For more regular ideas and
musings, remember to check out the Innergize
blog at
http://www.innergize.wordpress.com.
If you like, share a story of your own using the comment box.
And a blog worth a visit
...
But be warned, visit only if you need
a little humor in your day.
Looking for
language patterns and Word Power?
Go to tips and tools at the top of the page.
Still my favorite quote to ponder,
especially when I start to think I'm
good at multi-tasking:
“Humans can't
multi-task—we can't pay attention to two things simultaneously.
No, multi-tasking is really just rapid attention-switching. And
that'd be a useful skill, except it takes us a second or two to
engage in the new situation we've graced with our focus. So, the
sum total of attention is actually decreased as we multi-task.
Slicing your attention, in other words, is less like slicing
potatoes and more like slicing plums. You always lose some of
the juice.”
David Weinberger, The Cluetrain
Manifesto
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